| 0.2 → It Rambles |
[01 Jul 2009|11:58pm] |
Cross-posted.
There are days that I get up and just want to bash my head into the wall and hope that it shatters into pieces. Sometimes I feel like I'd be okay with seeing the blood. Sometimes I really want to see the blood. Sometimes I just really get filled with all of this animosity that most people don't know that I have.
I felt that way today. For absolutely no reason at all, I was one hundred percent angry. At everything. I'd say at everyone too, but I didn't really talk to anyone. If anything, in those moods, I have a hard time carrying on conversation and it takes hours for me to chill the fuck out.
Maybe it was the idea that I'm back to sleeping poorly again. Maybe it's because the toothaches are back and every day I want to take a knife to my mouth and extract every tooth myself. Or maybe it's just because some part of me is fucked up beyond belief and it's carrying over into my personal life.
I'm stressing. No shit. It's like a constant in my life. It's like saying that I can't be at the very least content unless I am stressing about something. Whether it's from how I look (which... I'm surprisingly vain about), where I'm going in life, how I may not be going anywhere, how I'm portraying characters in role play, how I'm carrying myself, or how I'm going to live for the next month. No matter what the case, I am insanely obsessed with stress.
Or perhaps I'm just insane. Or perhaps I'm going insane.
Sometimes I feel like I think too much. Like I can't enjoy anything because all I do is think. I've heard it a lot as I've grown up. I over analyze. Oh, holy hell, do I over analyze. I've become better about this, yes, but I scrutinize almost everything. I might not always say it, and I might not always show it, but I really do, from the way someone talks to the way someone writes, and even to how someone puts something down on a table. Like the entire fucking world is going to collapse if a napkin isn't put in a square or a rhombus shape.
I see so many flaws. I feel them, like it's some weird skin disease that I just can't get rid of. It's aggravating. It's frustrating. I want to be this. I want to be that. I want to portray myself in this manner. I want people to see someone who is polite. Perhaps not demure. Perhaps not completely ladylike, but appropriate. I want people to respect me when I respect them. I want people to take me seriously and not assume I am walking nut-case. I may be eccentric at times, yes, but just about everything I say has a point, even if it takes me a little bit of time to reach it.
I feel like I have to compromise myself for the world. I feel like I'm not good enough to walk on the streets because my mind warps things so completely out of perspective. I could say something that makes perfect sense to me and other people will life their eyebrows and give that expression.
"What the fuck, Mako? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Today sort of sucked. Hard core. I'll talk about the good things before this entry has an end put to it just to leave things on a note that isn't sour.
The laptop frizzled on me today due to a virus, and I basically crumbled. It looked pretty stupid too. It looked like I went completely bonkers because of a god damned laptop, but it was so much more than that. I've been at this point, at this particular position where I just want to explode. It'll be so ugly, though, and I know it. It'll be like fireworks, and not the good kind. The laptop bullshit sent me over, though. I wanted to rip the damned thing apart and send it to the computer afterlife.
Fortunately, I had Sam and Jei to help me out. They were my lifesavers. And Jei used his famous words. You know the ones.
"Calm down."
The next week is probably going to be a bit bland. Being on hiatus is almost hard work. I'm supposed to be working on getting character voices back. It's hard to do that when you don't have the motivation too. Again, the other three are helping with that. I have plans for a couple of them upon their return. One of them I feel like I constantly fuck up on and shouldn't even be playing (and I don't really know why I am). And then the other two, I'm about 75% sure I'm dropping, just because I feel like it's too hard to socialize with them. Being the antisocial bitch that I am, there's only so much I can do, apparently.
In taking this hiatus, however, I pretty much shot myself in the fucking foot. There's not much to my life. It's a lot of looking for work, sleeping, and computer. At the nighttime, all I really do is RP. Taking a hiatus from it all is sort of like telling myself, "Gee. Fuck yourself up, why don't you?" I tend to get bored when I don't have RP or tags or things like that. In consequence, I end up falling asleep, or losing my drive completely.
This upcoming weekend, I'm going to look into finishing Ocarina of Time with Sam still here, since I'm a little too afraid to go through it myself. xD (No. In some ways, I haven't changed since I was thirteen. I still want to go hide when I get to the Shadow Temple.) And then I might pick up Majora's Mask again (although I really didn't like that game). Or perhaps I'll touch upon Twilight Princess some more (since I'm making headway in that one). Either way, I feel like I need the gaming. It'd be even cooler if I could play a couple of the games I feel like I'm slipping in.
Other than that, I finally broke down to watch that Showtime exclusive show: the Tudors. Man, by the third or fourth episode, I was pretty roped in. I'm done with season one (there were only ten episodes) and I'm looking forward to the second one. It gives me some inspiration for the Silhouettes and Strings, which hasn't been updated and needs to be. It also makes me want to write on the novel, which also needs to be finished. Chapter fifty-three isn't enough for me. It's got to be more than that. I'm beginning to think I wanted to make it sixty-four chapters. Perhaps. I'd have to ask Doug, since a good portion of it was really his idea. He'd probably remember.
But yeah.
I've said a lot. It's probably time to move on. And here's a meme that seems to make some sense.
| Greed: | Medium
| | | Gluttony: | Low
| | | Wrath: | Very High
| | | Sloth: | Very Low
| | | Envy: | Medium
| | | Lust: | Low
| | | Pride: | Medium
| |
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
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